I can’t ask how they are - what if they cry? (June 2020)
When working with managers and leaders around how best to manage teams and individuals, one area that is often discussed is how often they should be catching up with team members, and what format that catch up should take. My advice is about needing to find a rhythm and format that works for both parties, alongside the importance of every few months having a conversation away from the workplace that is not focused on tasks and deadlines, but instead a wider and possibly deeper conversation about motivation, development, likelihood of leaving, work-life balance etc.
I often find if a manager or leader has never been on the receiving end of such a conversation, and is usually task focused, they find this an uncomfortable idea - perhaps stemming from anxiety of where the conversation may end up, the chance that issues will be raised that are outside their control, and the fear that it may be an emotional conversation. I am always clear that managers and leaders are not counsellors, and at the same time part of their job is checking in with people about the wider factors (both positive and negative) that may be affecting their work. And then responding as a fellow human being if the conversation ends up more emotional than expected.
Of course with the current curtailment of normal life this is now more important than ever, and the usual anxiety about what might be expressed is understandably heightened. Often a framework can be helpful in giving a team a common language to talk about their situation if they are not used to this sort of check-in, along with some practical hints and tips to share if people are struggling.
With credit to Dr. Chris Johnstone from collegeofwellbeing.com I am currently finding his 3 Zones of Challenge framework a useful way into "how are you really" conversations:
If you're anything like me during lockdown you'll be having green, orange, and red moments within a week, day, and even hour. If you're not used to having these sort of reflections and conversations feel free to use me as an example. For me green is when the sun is shining, I'm enjoying the slowing down of life, feel like cooking yet another meal, and remember I have it easy compared to so many. Orange has all these elements, plus my family are concentrating on work and schoolwork, so I too can focus on work, read an article that makes me think, or stretch myself to write a blog like this. And red is when I wonder when will this end, watch friends and family slowly unravelling, and just want to stay in bed under the duvet so I don't have to face another day that is so similar to the last.
If you do use this or another framework just remember there is no judgement about how you are feeling minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day: "It's ok to be ok, it's ok to not be ok, it's ok to not know whether you're ok or not".
If you find team members (or yourself) in the red zone quite often, it's then helping them identify some practical ways to move to more orange or green, asking them to reflect on "what has previously helped when you've been too stretched", "what do you usually do to feel less challenged", "what do you usually do to increase your capacity to cope". That may be a conversation with the team member if you and they are comfortable to do so, or it may be asking them to reflect on those questions and talk through with a trusted peer or friend. And if you are concerned about their wellbeing a reminder to them to reach out to professional help, whether that's provided by an employee assistance programme, or charity such as the Samaritans or Mind.
In terms of practical hints and tips here are some favourites, from a variety of sources and experience of coaching stressed managers and leaders - none of them are rocket science, but all help.
How's your sleep hygiene? The last decade has seen lots of research into the long-term impact of not enough sleep, such as reduced brain activity to increased risk of diabetes and stroke. https://sleepcouncil.org.uk has good resources including blogs about sleep in lockdown.
How's your diet, including staying hydrated? There's so much variation in what food we have access to, and can afford, in lockdown. I feel the realistic check is whether we are trying to eat as healthily as we can, at regular meal times, and drinking enough water in the day.
Are you getting 30 mins of exercise a day? Again this is not about suddenly taking up a type of exercise that has never interested you, but something that gets you moving in the space you can access. For those who are having long days of virtual meetings staying flexible is also important. My physio has some good tips on https://vphysio.co.uk/combatting-stiffness-seated-chair-stretches/
Are you getting 30 mins of fresh air a day? Good to combine with (3). And difficult if you're shielding in a flat with no balcony, when opening the windows wide may be the closest for now.
Are you getting 30 mins of 'me time' a day? For anyone juggling work with home-schooling or caring responsibilities, along with shopping / cooking / cleaning this will seem a big stretch. But it is just the same as the air mask message on flights - how can you help someone else get oxygen if you're not getting oxygen yourself? So whatever recharges your batteries and is possible with lockdown try to do for 30 mins a day. A solitary walk addresses (3), (4), and (5).
If you're locked down with others are you getting 30 mins of non-bickering time together. I was going to write this as "quality time" and then decided to be gentle on us all. This is where I find social media to be particularly unhelpful with the thousands of aspirational posts of baking, crafting, and new hobbies, that can generate a critical inner voice about what we "should" be doing. Maybe better to reflect on what you usually enjoy together, what is feasible in lockdown, and making time for that.
Are you connecting to people who are important to you, in a way that works for you? I think those of us who have a laptop, tablet, or smart phone are grateful that we are locked down in 2020, not 2000, when technology allows us to maintain connections to our family and friends. Yet we can also get virtual meeting fatigue and feel pressure to connect. So arrange what feels right for you, remember it's ok to cancel at the last minute if you're not in the mood, and it's ok to reach out in the moment if you need it.
Remember the change curve. Based on the 1960s work by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on the grieving process, the change curve is a helpful reminder of the emotional rollercoaster we all go through after an unexpected, particularly negative, change. It reminds us it is completely normal to be experiencing some of the downward slope emotions of frustration, anger, and blame. And these will often be expressed at managers and leaders.
What can you control? When managers and leaders are feeling disempowered I often ask them to simply map their "spheres of influence", distinguishing between "what can I control", "what can I influence", and "what is outside my control". They often find they can control and influence more than they thought. I'm not sure if that is currently the case, but there is always something in our control however out of control the world feels - tidying a drawer, choosing a colourful top, and to quote Victor Frankl (author of Man's Search for Meaning, based on his concentration camp experience) "the last of the human freedoms" is the ability "to choose one's attitude to a given set of circumstances".
Are you being kind to yourself when you need to? We do not often hear "gentle" and "kind" in the world of work, which is full of tasks, deadlines, KPIs, objectives etc. But when in the red zone recognising you need to step back, delay, and not just "carry on" is important. When my husband was in hospital undergoing intensive chemotherapy I was fortunate to regularly see a brilliant cancer counsellor who reminded me "there's no prize for getting through this perfectly, it's just about getting through it, even crawling on your hands and knees". Which gave me permission to have the odd duvet day, when my critical voice would tell me I should be at the hospital.
And if you find yourself or others crying remember it's human to be sad every now and again. Let yourself and others know "it's ok", don't rush to dry the tears, and don't think about solutions until feeling better.